Facts About Women No-One Wants to Know.

Okay.... this one is going to be pretty disgusting so if you are easily disturbed/ offended, please do not read on. 

A couple of days ago I broke the news to a male friend that (most) women are usually always at the stage of needing to fart throughout the day. This freaked him out because he had a rather deluded idea that women fart less than men, hence why we don't do it in public. This idealism he had kinda bugged me. I mean, our insides are exactly the same as theirs, why would we produce a different amount of gas? Just because we hold it in when we're in public, doesn't mean we don't let rip the second we are alone. I think because women hold them in and try to seem elegant, we give over the impression that we are not gross. This is obviously a big fat lie. We are just as disgusting..... Maybe more so, than men. However, my friend refused to believe me.

So, I went on Facebook calling out women and asked them to admit their dirty secrets, and they all delivered! I was literally traumatised by some of them.  This is some of the interesting confessions I got...

(Disclaimer, I say 'we' in a general sense. I know there are women out there who are not this gross, I don't even do most of these so even thou I generalise, please don't think I'm talking about you.)

Bodily functions.

* Yes, we fart. This is true. Flatulence is hilarious, regardless of what is between your legs. I can't tell you the amount of times I have watched a female friend double over laughing because of the sound and smell of her farts. We also enjoy the smell of our farts, and we are secretly proud if we offend ourselves with the odour. We're even more proud if we can offend others. When I was younger, my sister and I used to record her farts. One sounded like a duck and another sounded like a cockney saying 'alright'. 

* Queefs are different. They usually hit at the worst possible time.... during sex or at a yoga class. These are funny too, but only we are allowed to laugh. If we're having sex and a guy chuckles at our vaginal flatulence, we lose our lady boners.

* If we cough, sneeze or laugh too hard, a little bit of wee will come out. 

* We take epic dumps. The reason not many guys are aware of this is because we usually clean up after ourselves. Just because we don't leave battle streaks down the porcelain and we mask the smell with air freshener, it doesn't mean we didn't drop a log. I can actually point out for a fact that women stink. I've worked in retail and have seen and smelt the state of the toilets...... We're fucking minging!

* We also discuss our pooping habits with friends. The closer we are to said friend, the more detailed the conversation can get. I have a friend who takes pictures of her shit and sends it to her mother. The less I say about that, the better. (However secretly I am considering doing this myself. My mum is going to hate me!)
   
We are secret sniffers and pickers.

* We pick our nose. Many men are surprised by this. Nose mining isn't just for men. I know no-one will believe me when I say I hate picking my nose, but it is true. I have issues when it comes to boogers & phlegm and such, so nostril picking grosses me out, but I know A LOT of girls who not only admit to doing it but also enjoy it. The bigger the snot lump, the more pride they feel. Sometimes it’s necessary, especially when there is one up there that is irritating the shit out of you. 

* We sniff our crotch to see if it stinks. This is something we kinda HAVE to do, because no-one likes the smell of a pungent vagina. It gets sweaty down there, you should know, so sometimes we have a subtle 'rearrange' and then stealthily sniff our hand to make sure it doesn’t smell. We are always paranoid about smelling, especially when it's that time of the month.

* Spot popping! Who doesn't like popping spots? Whoever doesn't is LYING!! Everyone gets them and everyone pops them. It's just some girls get more enjoyment out of them than others.

* While we are on the subject, we are a gender of pickers. We pick at everything.... spots, scabs, blisters, boogers... you name it.  

* We also sniff a lot. The stuff between our toes, from our belly button, piercing holes... we have a sniff to see if its grim, and then feel disgusted with ourselves when we do.

We like seeing end results.

* We like to see the end result of things, what comes out of our nose, what colour our pee is, how large our turd was, the puss from our spots, what comes out of our ears... even our sanitary products.

I know it sounds grim but looking is a good thing. If you don't know what is coming out of your body, you won't notice when it changes, and change can sometimes mean something bad. If there was ever blood in your pee or poop, how would you know unless you looked?

Shaving and general maintenance.

* If we live in trousers, it's likely we don't shave as much. This is fairly obvious but you'll be amazed at how much men assume we shave daily. Shaving sucks, waxing fucking hurts and laser hair removal is expensive. So we can either shave it or leave it. And most of us leave it, especially during the winter. During the winter is can act as a second layer, ultimately keeping us warmer when needed.

* However when we do shave, we feel so fucking smooth we want EVERYONE to know about it. If a female friend tells me she has shaved and is wearing a skirt or shorts, it is expected of me to have a feel so I can appreciate the amazing job she has done. Shaving is such a chore; we deserve a reward at the end.

* When we are in a rush but we need to wash, we'll sometimes take a 'whores bath' which essentially just a wipe down to freshen up the sweaty regions. Sometimes we'll use a flannel, sometimes just baby wipes. This usually happens the morning after a heavy night of drinking when we are due in work and slept through our alarm. Sometimes it's not by accident; we choose extra sleep over a thorough wash.

* We don't wash our bras as often as we probably should. This is because there is always one bra that fits us perfectly, makes our breasts look great and is comfortable as hell, so we don't want to have to go a day without it. We could own about 30 bras, but there is always that one that we wear constantly. We’ll put on the sexy lace stuff for sex, but that’s usually it.

* We hate washing our hair. I have insanely long and thick hair. It takes me about 20-30 minutes to thoroughly wash, 40 minutes to blow dry and 60 minutes to straighten. It's fucking annoying. So, I just tie it back. Usually a scraped back hair-do means we are greasy as hell. Also, contrary to popular believe, we shouldn't really be washing our hair every day as it's stripping the hairs of their natural oils, so greasy is good. That’s what I tell myself anyway.

* Our head hair gets EVERYWHERE, however it usually turns up between our buttcheeks. This is a bizarre phenomenon and cannot be explained, but I cannot tell you the amount of times I've been in the shower and I've found one, nuzzled between the cheeks. It's fucking bizarre.

Periods.

* We don't always get a warning on when we come on, so we end up bleeding on our underwear. This is the worst thing ever. I mean, unless we wear panyliners every single day, we are bound to have a pair of stained 'period pants' in our drawer. We bleed through things too so even if you are prepared, you aren't completely. If we are having an exceptionally heavy period, we can bleed through the pad, knickers, pyjamas and onto the sheets.

* Sometimes when we do randomly come on, it is so unexpected we don't have the supplies needed.... so we make our own DIY pads out of a wedge of tissue. This is just to cover ourselves until we reach a Tesco/ Boots... 


That is everything..... so far. If I get anymore, I'll make another post. Once I have finished cringing.